Sunday, November 06, 2005
Bullies: An Aside. (Or Is It?)
How many of us had to deal with people like this when we were growing up, and sometimes even after we have grown up?
Tomorrow we'll doubtless return to the problems of the avian flu pseudo-pandemic, etc.
----- Original Message -----
From: Judith Moriarty
Sent: Sunday, November 06, 2005 7:03 PM
Subject: THOSE WHO CAN, DO. THOSE WHO CAN'T, BULLY ( little bullies grow into repulsive big bullies)
[NOTE: I've done some very slight touching up of the language, to correct the occasional grammar mistake or improve the flow, without changing the content. ~SY.]
I started doing my fence signs as a lark back in 2001 – and have found I have to keep it up, as everywhere I go around town, people ask when the next sign is going up – and most surprising are the children, who come by on the school busses – Since I learned how much they enjoyed these, I try to gear the message to something identifiable in their lives – staying away from political rhetoric. Remember most parents don’t really talk with their children!
I never had a problem with my sons ever bullying anyone, or of being the victims of any bullies……….that just wouldn’t have been tolerated. I think parents should take this issue very seriously – as current events show us. My brother and I never had a problem with any bullies in school – but my twin sister sure did. She had a severe learning problem – back then they called it, ‘stupid’, today it’s identified as dyslexia. I was always jumping into some confrontation that had a bunch of kids, or Wally Simpson just bullying the hell out of her. Eddy Perry tried it, and I punched him in the mouth. She just couldn’t defend herself – me, I didn’t have size behind me - midget that I was, but I did have a good grasp of language – which usually won the day – plus a certain rage in me when anybody touched by brothers or sister…………...better not.
I think that bullies many times are spawned in homes, with little to no nurturing from parents who are strict authoritarians – judgmental – emotionally retarded – arrogant,that are more intent on raising an obedient, unfeeling vegetable than a child. Some people should never have been parents, given what they’ve let loose in the world. Just look around. Everyone knows a bully. Little bullies grow up to be insufferable big bullies. If a child is not corrected in his mocking, ridiculing, bias and prejudice towards those in his own community, but laughed with, or encouraged in this behavior, we get grown ups practicing this same ill mannered behavior on others. If children hear parents ridiculing certain races or classes of people – life styles, medical conditions, etc. - chances are, the children will end up echoing these same labels and presumptions about people they don’t even know – all because an ignorant parent started, and watered the seeds of malice. Then again, it’s easy to ridicule, mock, and label those whom you’ve never taken the opportunity to know as people! This happens mostly I believe because some people live like hot house flowers – others in identifiable fields of a certain crop – then there are the weeds – and wildflowers of life. Funny how nature doesn’t seem to be bothered mixing – but man builds his walls, fences, and moats, to stay with his own kind – least he awaken to another way of thinking – yikes.
“All cruelty springs from weakness”.
Profile of adult bullies in your midst: Give it some thought after that next rude encounter, or caustic meeting, when for no damn reason ‘some’ take it upon themselves to bully, verbally or by their actions, their fellow citizens. We usually think of bullies, as being physically abusive, which is far from the truth. Another mistake we make is that we imagine the bully to be some crude, brutish character. Fact is, the most contemptible and ruthless of bullies don’t look the part – at all! I use men is used in the universal sense – me no feminist. There are just as many bitching – shrewish – woman bullies (sometimes worse than men given their influence with children).
A serial bully or one with sociopathic behavior:
· Is a convincing, practiced liar, and when called into account, will make up anything to fit his need at the moment.
· Has a Jekyll and Hyde nature – is vile, vicious and vindictive in private, but innocent and charming in front of witnesses; no one can (or wants to) believe this individual has a vindictive nature - only the current target of the bully’s aggression sees both sides; whilst the Jekyll side is described as “charming” and convincing enough to deceive ‘most’ everyone, the Hyde side is frequently described as “evil”. Hyde is the REAL person, Jekyll is an act.
· This (adult) bully excels at deception and should never be underestimated in their capacity to deceive.
· He/she is a professional at using excessive charm and is always plausible and convincing when peers, superiors, those he/she wishes to impress, are present (charm can be used to deceive as well as to cover for a lack of empathy.
· This now ‘adult’ bully is glib, shallow and superficial with plenty of fine words and lots of form – but there’s no substance.
· The adult bully is possessed, many times, with an exceptional verbal facility and will outmaneuver most people in verbal interaction, especially at times of conflict.
· This bully is often described as smooth, slippery, slimy, ingratiating, fawning, toadying, obsequious, and sycophantic.
· He/she relies on mimicry (of emotions), repetition and regurgitation to convince others that he/she is both a “normal” human being, extolling the virtues of society. They are also very skilled in being able to anticipate what people want to hear and then saying it plausibly.
· He CANNOT be trusted or relied upon.
· He fails to fulfill promises or commitments unless it somehow enhances him, or he wishes to impress some person of importance.
· One glaring attribute in these ‘bullies’ is; that they are emotionally immature and emotionally untrustworthy. Underneath their charming exterior there are often suspicions of sex discrimination, sexual perversion, sexual violence or sexual abuse ( a use’em and leave’em attitude – everything revolves around THEM).
· Forget relationships – they are incapable of initiating or sustaining intimacy. They usually hold deep prejudices (against opposite gender, other cultures, classes of people) but go to great lengths to keep this prejudicial aspect of their personalities secret.
· They are always right – anyone disagreeing with them is seen as inferior and lesser. They display arrogance, audacity, and a superior sense of entitlement and sense of untouchability.
· They are control freaks, in that they have a compulsive need to control everyone and everything you say, do, think and believe’ – they most especially despise anyone who enables others to see through their deception and their mask of sanity.
· They display a compulsive need to criticize while simultaneously refusing to value, praise and acknowledge (unless mimed) others, their achievements, or their existence.
· They show a lack of coherent, joined – up thinking with conversation that doesn’t flow, and arguments that don’t hold water. You may explain a situation, which they’ve misinterpreted (or insisted on seeing only their way) a hundred times over and you’ll not connect. You’re better off conversing with a tombstone – it’s that frustrating….and unyielding. Sad.
· They are curt to the point of rudeness (you always are made to feel you’re intruding in their more important life) – you come away feeling you’ve never had a proper conversation. They refuse to be specific and never give a straight answer. They are evasive with a Houdini – like ability to escape accountability.
· They systematically undermine and destroy anyone they perceive to be an adversary, a potential threat, or who can see through their mask. They are highly manipulative, especially of people’s perceptions and emotions. They poison people’s minds by manipulating their perceptions.
· When they are called upon to share or address the needs and concerns of others, they respond, with impatience, irritability, sarcasm, aggression or just ignore.
· They are high – handed, arrogant, (not in front of those who count) haughty and a know – all. They have an overwhelming, unhealthy and narcissistic attention – seeking need to portray themselves as wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate – to the point of nausea to an intuitive observer, knowing it’s all an act.
· They are spiritually dead although may loudly profess some religious, spiritual belief or affiliation. They are mean – spirited, officious, and unbelievably petty – and will hold a grudge till hell freezes over. They are mean, stingy and financially untrustworthy. They are always TAKERS and never GIVERS (unless mimed for social reasons).
· They often miss the semantic meaning of language, misinterpret what is said, sometimes wrongly (everything revolves around them) thinking that comments of a satirical, ironic, or general negative nature apply to them. Who else is there but them? Who else could possibly be hurt, insulted, etc, but them?
They know the Words – but not the Song!